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I Learned Everything I Need to Know About Life from a Tank Game

August 30, 2007

[Originally posted on Irvania.com sometime in 2002]

I’ve mentioned on numerous occaisions that my all-time favorite computer game is iPanzer ‘44, a 1996-vintage tank “sim” from Interactive Magic. I’ve played it probably over a thousand times, far more than any other in my 20+ years of playing computer games. It’s a great deal of fun and does a good job of simulating certain aspects of tank warfare, particularly the importance of terrain and the critical need to find the enemy before they find you. However, the game does have some amusing, er, “reality” problems. Here, therefore, is:

My Top Ten List of Imporant Life Lessons I Learned from Playing iPanzer ‘44
(or, I Learned Everything I Need to Know About Life from a Tank Game)

10. If you see a guy in a Jeep looking at you, shoot him.

9. German tankers all have low manly voices, but Kubelwagen drivers always had high-pitched wimpy voices and a lisp.

8. Infantry are a lot easier to kill if they’re facing to your left or right than if they’re facing toward or away from you.

7. A guy holding a bazooka or panzerfaust is a lot harder to hit than anybody else.

6. The best way to wipe out a formation of infantry is to stand off at about 1700 meters and pick them off one at a time with APHE rounds.

5. A formation of infantry being picked off by APHE rounds from 1700 meters away will stand calmly in place, although sometimes the last guy will turn and start to walk away.

4. It is impossible to hit an infantryman with a coaxial machinegun if he’s less than 600 meters away.

3. A 45-ton Panther tank is incapable of driving through or over a half-ton Jeep. Or through a small birch tree, for that matter.

2. You can cause an entire enemy force to start retreating simply by driving a Jeep into their headquarters area.

1. The tip of a treetop, just visible over a nearby ridge, looks an awful lot like a guy in a Jeep looking at you.

This article was filed under:
"Best of Dave"
August 2007 articles
Irvania.com webmaster: Dave Ferris
The content on this page was written in 2002, reposted as a blog entry August 30, 2007
Last updated: June 11, 2016