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(Originally posted on Irvania.com in August 2002)

Accounting Scandal at DIPCorp

Officials at DIPCorp admitted today that over 3.8 dollars in earnings had been misreported, resulting in corporate profits being overestimated by nearly 400%.

Stockholders of the company, had there been any, probably would have been furious. “I’d probably be furious,” said an anonymous man walking down the street, who is not a stockholder in the troubled corporation.

According to insider sources, a book of postage stamps was purchased for approximately $3.81 at some point in the third or fourth fiscal quarter. The transaction was booked as an income, rather than as an expense. “That $3.81 should have been in the red column, but somebody wrote it in the black column instead,” said long-time DIPCorp bookkeeper Wallace T. Staplitic on condition of anonymity. As a result, the company’s reported earnings of $2.16 for fiscal year 2001 has been downgraded to a loss of over 85 billion dollars.

Angry insiders are accusing former DIPCorp president and CEO David Ferris of using part of the more than 3.8 dollars to give himself illegal loans. “We’re pretty sure he used the money towards buying a house,” said a woman cleaning a closet. “Not a real house, one of those 15 millimeter wargaming houses. It’s a pretty fancy building, at least four or five inches long.”

Photo of the alleged 15mm house allegedly paid for in part by allegedly illegal loans to alleged former DIPCorp CEO

“We don’t have a 401k or pension fund or anything like that,” said Staplitic, who was due to retire in only 34 more years, “but if we did, they’d be wiped out by now. Here we are, us non-employees, having just potentially lost our life savings we actually didn’t have but theoretically should have had, and that clown Ferris is enjoying the good life in his great big new 15mm house.”

“Well, he can’t actually enjoy life in his 15mm house,” Staplitic added hastily, “I’m pretty sure it’s a solid casting. He’d, like, have to enjoy life while he’s just holding the house in his hands or something.”

DIPCorp, previously in the business of manufacturing spoof games that no one would buy, is looking to expand into the field of robotic operating systems. “If we existed, which we don’t, we think we might have a majority share of the robotic operating system market with our upcoming DIP-ROS version 1.0, in a couple of centuries that is,” said former CEO Ferris, who could not be reached for comment. “We’re not working on anything like that right now because we’re too busy being beleaguered and stuff.”

Irvania.com webmaster: Dave Ferris
The content on this page was written in 2002
Last updated: June 11, 2016