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More Bad Poetry

Christmas 1992 at the Local Computer Bulletin Board Service

I don't know why I'm reposting this in 2008. Even I can't remember who all these people were.

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Minnie Mouse.

She was raiding the fridge for some leftover duck
When who should she stumble upon but Mike Druck.

Zalinksy was petting my cats, loudly purring
Okay! Oh all right! Lots of creatures were stirring.

The other users were snuggled in their sleeping sackses
Except for Sir Richard who was griping about taxes.

But then from the game room I heard beeps and blips
It was Featherstone gleefully sinking my ships.

"My convoy!" I cried and ran to the battle
Then sunk all his cruisers like non-swimming cattle.

I thought of my admirals, all safe in their bunkers
And fired just in time to shoot down some Junkers.

And off in a corner I spied Mr. Spock
Who stood on his head and played Slargeball with Doc.

Doc was reading a book while he sunk the Atlanta
As he graded some tests and played checkers with Santa.

Santa was losing, so decided to split
But before he could leave he reached into his kit

He pulled out wrapped presents, some red and some blue
For all the good little users. But I got one too.

He waved to us all as he flew out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all! Buy Chart Wars tonight!"


The Official Bloomsburg Area Gamer's Association Christmas Song


On the Nth day of Christmas my C.O.* gave to me:

12 battlecruisers
11 Zulus charging
10 paratroopers
9 recon halftracks
8 heavy mortars
7 fighter bombers
6 hardened bunkers
5 Panzer Fours
4 handgrenades
3 light tanks
2 howitzers

And a handful of infantry

(Repeat chorus until the neighbours complain)

* Commanding Officer


Title: Opinions...
Category: Musical Chairs
Author: Ferns
Posted: At 12:10:16 pm on 1/05/89

Max, I firmly believe that Mr. Spock, Arioch, and I could get together on our lunch break and write, perform, produce and record our own heavy metal song and it'd be just as terrible as the ones that make the top of the charts.We'd need a guitarist and lead screamer for the actual recording, but we could probably just draft someone off the streets for that. Writing heavy metal tunes is horribly simple. I thought of a good one last night in the shower:

I'm on a stairway to trouble (naaaaaa naaaaaaa)
A stairway to trouble (naaaaa naaaaaaaaaaa)
I'm gonna find me my parents and tell them off
I'm gonna smoke me some cigarettes until I cough
I'm on a stairway to trouble

The world's in turmoil but I don't care
Don't kill yourself unless you like my hair
You're on a stairway to trouble (naaaaaa naaaaaaaaaaaaa)

(Incredibly long guitar solo filled with lots of distortion to disguise the fact that the entire solo consists of little more than rapid but simple arpeggios on two strings)

I'm really upset about world peace
I'm gonna get me a shotgun and scare some geese
Stairway to trouble...


Title: Addicted to...
Author: Ferns
Posted: At 11:24:14 pm On 10/05/88

(To some Robert Palmer tune or other...)

The disk drive grinds
The motor turns
The graphics stink
The mouse pad burns
You're upset
Your teeth are clenched
Ya wanna get
A monkey wrench

Ya better get used to waiting
Cuz you'll be here a while
Oh yeah
No sense in complaining
It's just Junk in a pile

Might as well face it, cuz you're using a Mac
Might as well face it, cuz you're using a Mac
Might as well face it, cuz you're using a Mac
Might as well
FATAL DISK ERROR

You're swapping disks
All afternoon
You wonder if
It'll be done soon
The crummy screen's
A tiny tube
You're better off
With Rubik's Cube!
Oh yeah
Don't bother paying for the Macintosh II
Cuz you know ahead of time that there's NO AXIS 4 U

Might as well face it, cuz you're using a Mac
Might as well
INSERT DISK 4


TITLE: I Hate Cutting Styrofoam
FROM: #11 FERNS
MSG: #156, 05/23/89 12:12

I Hate Cutting Styrofoam

a Pome by Eggar Allen Poo

I hate cutting styrofoam
My workbench isn't steady
The foam crumbles & turns to dust
And breaks when I'm not ready

It'll look good on the wargame table
'Though it's not quite straight, you see
But if the Ogre says one thing
I'll staple-gun his knee.

It'll all be worth it when I watch
The tank divisions roam
Across those slightly crooked plains
Of that bloody styrofoam.


Date: 19-Jul-89 23:38
From: David Ferris
Subj: The Arab-Israeli Wars Rap

The Wargamer's Lament

I was shootin' at some Shermans just the other day
Their guns seemed longer but that's okay.
My buddy say it's gonna be a piece of cake
But I'm lookin' at them guns and thinkin' it's a mistake.

Say ho, I say ho,
My buddy is a-laughin' but I don't know
Them little Frenchie tanks are not so slow
Say ho, I say ho,
The shells are whizzin' by, gettin' pretty near
I think I'll run on home and check back next year

"We got 'em outnumbered," my buddy say
"We gonna have a vict-o-ry today.
It's gonna be an impressive catch."
I say "Don't know about you but I'm closin' my hatch."

Say ho, I say ho,
My buddy is dispersed but that's okay
He'll be back next turn (I hope, anyway)
Say ho, I say ho,
That Sherman's shootin' at me now, what a swine
I hope we can shift into reverse in time

We got 'em outnumbered but that will change.
Them little AMXes are just out of range.
My buddy's still dispersed and he's in a fix
And he'll stay that way cuz he rolled a six.

Say yo, I say yo,
My buddy is burnin' and my turret ain't turnin'
Say yo, I say yo ho,
Israelis are surroundin' and we're takin' a poundin'
Say ho, I say ho ho,
I'm tired of tryin' to defend this joint
And we never even got a victory point
Say yo ho!


Irvania.com webmaster: Dave Ferris
The content on this page was written between 1988 and 1992
Last updated: June 11, 2016