This retread is from December 2003. I can’t find my original, but I’m pretty sure it was first sent to one of the Internet writers’ e-mail lists and posted on Irvania.com shortly thereafter. It's appeared a couple of times since then during the holiday season.
Merry Christmas to one and all!
I’d like to wish a Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Hannukah, Happy Ramadan, Merry Christmas, Happy Winter Solstice, Happy New Year, Happy Loot-Swapping Day, and/or Happy Generic Winter Holiday to everyone out there.
Me, I’ve been busy lately producing my new holiday season mixed album, featuring such artists as:
Linkin Park: “I Hate You Because of All the Presents You Gave Me”
Staind: “I’ve Never Gotten Any Presents, So I Hate Myself”
Nine Inch Nails: “I Just Hate Santa, Okay?”
Britney Spears: “Watch Me Try to Spell Chrissmas”
Incubus: “What Do We Do with All the Presents Intended for the Moustache Guy?”
Red Hot Chili Peppers: “Bleep Bleep Bleep the Holiday Bleep Bleep Bleep Bleep Season”
Evanescence: “I’m Not Sure Christmas Exists and I’m Pretty Spooked About It”
The Beach Boys: “We’re Still Celebrating Christmas 1966"
Madonna: “I Saw Me Kissing Santa, Mrs. Santa, and All the Elves and Reindeer on Live TV”
Nat King Cole & Karen Carpenter (duet): “We’ll Still Be Dead for Christmas”
Michael Jackson: “My Attorneys Have Advised Me Not to Comment on Christmas”
Ozzy Ozbourne: “What? It’s what? Why Is the Ground All White?”
Sting: “If You Love Someone, Give Me All Their Presents”
… and many more!
Atrophy: (noun) 1. That shiny thing what’s on Weird Ed’s mantlepiece that he got from winnin’ all them Slargeball games 2. When y’all don’t care about nothin’ 3. A bad thing what happens to yer mussels when yer arms or yer legs ain’t workin’ rite
The content on this page was written in 2002 (probably)
Last updated: June 11, 2016