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Spacer Note: Consim-L was an Internet e-mail mailing list dedicated to discussions about wargaming, predominantly board (paper hexmap and cardboard counter) wargaming. Sometimes the discussions drifted a little, well, off-topic and an occaisional flamewar erupted. That's what triggered this ditty, first posted on Consim-L on February 24 1997.

"Consim" stood for "Conflict Simulation", a politically correct codename for wargaming to get past corporate e-mail filters.

The Consim Flame-atorium

> Rob L. wrote:
>
> > I'm setting up a fund to buy Bowden a couple of pounds of decaf.
>

Now now, let's not be making personal attacks here. Let's try to keep things reasona-- murf-- ooof-- urb-- must... resist... must... fight... urge... to... post... bad... poetry... must... not... give... in...

[With apologies to the Eagles]

I said to the gamemaster, "Please bring me my dice"
And he said, "There isn't much call for them here, but you should take my advice
"We just come here to argue, we don't talk about games
"Set your killfile to overdrive and prepare for all the flames"

The Anti-XTR Cabal meets Tuesdays at five,
Chester is pushing for BoB, and Rob is keeping Amiga alive
Oh no, one more auction, it's driving me mad
I hate it when they post it here, but I'll pay five bucks for "Stalingrad"

Welcome to the Consim Flame-atorium
What a lovely place (what a lovely place)
Consimmers in your face
There's plenty of room at the Consim Flame-atorium
Get your counters clipped (get your counters clipped)
And your ego snipped

So I went to convention, I was looking for events
All they had was FGA games and the rules didn't make any sense
I was attacked by some Blockheads, fans of Columbia Games
Then a bunch of Nazis went by, calling each other all sorts of names

Mapboards on the ceiling, minis under your feet
It didn't used to be that way but that's what it says in the errata sheet
It's the mind control lasers, they're controlling your brain
Just don't forget, while you're sorting this out, the modifiers for terrain

Welcome to the Consim Flame-atorium
What a nice surprise (what a nice surprise)
Murphy's Rule applies
There's plenty of room at the Consim Flame-atorium
It's a lot like hell (it's a lot like hell)
But it's got ASL

I know that this song is awful, it doesn't even rhyme
It doesn't make much sense, nor did the original most of the time
But there's no way you can leave here, we just want you to know
You can unsubscribe any time you want but you can never go

[Needlessly long guitar solo]

[32 more verses mercifully snipped]


Irvania.com webmaster: Dave Ferris
The content on this page was written in 1997
Last updated: June 11, 2016