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Note the suspicious similarities between this article and the "Rice Puddin' Posse" article on Irvania.com from November 2002.

Published in The Voice, Bloomsburg University's student newspaper,
on October 12, 1987.

Press Release

A group of musicians from the Bloomsburg area have announced that they have formed a band and are preparing to record their first album. The band is named “Khukri”, after the large ceremonial knife used by the Gurkhas of Nepal. The group had originally intended to call themselves “Twisted User”, as the musicians are all computer enthusiasts. They dropped this handle to avoid possible lawsuits, however. Apparently another famous band has the word “User” in its name.

The next choice for the group’s name was “The Retired Constables”, followed by “Oscoda”, “Unsavoury Curry”, and “I/O Error”.

“I think this is significant,” says Bicuspid, the group’s keyboardist. “We’ve now had more name changes than rehearsals.”

The eccentric Bicuspid (real name Desmond Dull) got his nickname when he showed up at the first rehearsals wearing a white labcoat, giving him the appearance of a dentist. ”I have all the talent in the group,” he continues. “I have fifteen years of musical training and I practice for twelve hours a day. I’m also the only member of Khukri who can read music.”

Bicuspid denies allegations that he is a prima donna. “Of course, the songs I’ve written myself are the best in our repertoire. I calculate that I will have hit the Top Ten in 1.34 months. In 6.52 months I should be able to purchase Utah.”

In stark contrast, the group’s bass player, Mad Dog Culligan, considers himself the world’s worst musician. He performs a daily ritual of self-flagellation to atone for his musical sins. Despite twenty-five years of experience with his instrument, Mad Dog refuses any recognition of his abilities. ”Once, about ten years ago, I was able to play three sixteenth notes in a row,” intones Culligan. “That was the high point of my career. Unfortunately the notes were seven seconds apart. It was a very slow tune.”

Drongo Reeb, the drummer, is the third regular member of Khukri. Reeb seems an odd choice for the band, with only one week of musical experience. When asked about how it feels to work with two veterans, Drongo explains: ”Well, I think that the philosophical implications of the contemporary musical realm are foreshadowed only by the ethical questions posed by the transition between the acoustic instruments characterizing folk tradition and the rise of biochemical engineering.”

Khukri has subcontracted the position of vocalist out to Thrasher Congenial, a local anarchist and flower arranger. ”I hate society and think everyone should be killed,” quips Congenial.

The band’s musical style varies from high intensity, lightning-paced electronic rock to Irish jigs. The album, entitled “I’m So Bleedin’ Lonely I Could Rip Me Own Head Off”, begins with a typical Khukri rocker called “Na Na Na Na Etc.”

“You make me sweep and mop the floors
You don’t do any chores
I’m washin’, rinsin’, stackin’ the dishes”

The song’s author, Mad Dog Culligan, talks about the idea behind the tune. ”It’s based on the never-ending drudgery of domestic household work. I think it symbolizes mankind’s search for meaning in a changing industrial society. I’m particularly proud of the last bit:

“Na na na na na na, na na na na na
Na na na na na na na na na na na”

“I worked quite a long time on the ending,” Mad Dog concludes.

The next cut is another social statement. Bicuspid elaborates: ”The song follows the model of the Peter Gabriel and Kate Bush duet, ‘Don’t Give Up’. I think it represents a more realistic version of male-female relationships, however. It’s called ‘Go Push Off’.”

Following a reggae-heavy metal fusion number entitled “Fernsie, He Can’t Play No Drums”, the band melds into the national anthem of Irvania, “Eat at Joe’s”:

“Eat at Joe’s, eat at Joe’s, eat at Joe’s
Eat at Joe’s, eat at Joe’s, eat at Joe’s”

“We wanted to make a political statement,” says drummer Drongo. “I don’t think we could have been any clearer on our position.”

The album’s title track is a slow, mellow ballad emphasizing Bicuspid’s keyboard ability and Congenial’s throaty vocals. The heart-rending lyrics are contrasted by Culligan’s electric bagpipe solo.

The rest of the album seems to consist of old Police covers and a 25-minute live version of “I’m So Bleedin’ Lonely I Could Rip Me Own Head Off.”

“We don’t know too many tunes,” apologizes Mad Dog.

This new band, Khukri, will soon hit the local music scene by storm. Where are the lads going after this first album?

“We’re going for lunch after this next tune,” replies Mad Dog.

“I feel that our musical direction is indicative of the growing sense of self-awareness evident in contemporary society as it pertains to the instrumental experience,” adds drummer Reeb. “The proliferation of electronic drums clearly demonstrates my point.”

“I hate you,” remarks Thrasher Congenial.

“You mean they’ve got electronic drums now? Wow,” counters Mad Dog.

“I don’t care where we’re going,” Bicuspid says. “I’m the only one here with any talent.”

Khukri is now planning their first world tour. “I’m So Bleedin’ Lonely I Could Rip Me Own Head Off” will soon be available from Chaotic Neutral Records.

Irvania.com webmaster: Dave Ferris
The content on this page was written in 1987
Last updated: June 11, 2016