Published in The Voice, Bloomsburg University's student newspaper,
on April 14, 1988.
True Confessions of a Presidential Hopeful
At this time it is my sad duty to announce that I am withdrawing from the presidential race. As you know, I was running for the Demagogue Party nomination. There are a number of reasons for my decision. Apparently my campaign slogan, “vote for me or die,” did not go over as well as I had hoped.
My plan to raise the legal drinking age to 65 was not well taken either, for reasons that are entirely beyond me. My initiative to overthrow the controversial Supreme Court Roe vs. Leotards decision that would make aerobics illegal again also ran into stiff opposition.
However, a number of my ideas were well received by the public. I had proposed to melt all Michael Jackson, Madonna, and Prince recordings down into haircombs. My strong stand on legalizing the burning of FM easy-listening music radio stations gained particularly good support in the party.
I had also suggested that we change the national anthem to "Fortress Around Your Heart" by Sting, and this went over quite well with construction workers and the saxophone-playing constituency.
Certainly the most popular plank in my campaign platform was my proposal to tax the Contras and use the revenue to support freedom fighters in Cleveland.
I’d like to thank the actress Lola LaScandal, who played the role of my wife during the campaign, and those two brats who were supposed to be my kids, whatever their names are. I’d also like to thank my campaign manager, Shifty Feldman, for all the hard work he has done. Hope you can get parole, Shifty.
At the end of the day, after all is said and done and all the clichés have been wrapped up and put to bed, I must drop out of the race so that I can spend more time with my family, reassess my priorities, dedicate myself to my career, and plot my revenge.
To tell you the truth, the real reason I’m quitting is because one of my staff members told me that if I won I’d have to wear a necktie. That is a price that I’m just not prepared to pay. I think I still have time to enter the election race for King of Yugoslavia...
The content on this page was written in 1988
Last updated: June 11, 2016